Aberrations

A few months ago, I was sitting in a café with an acquaintance and he told me about his life. What he would have liked to have done and not done – what he wishes for the future, etc.

I asked him what his biggest defeat in his life had been. He replied: ‘I can’t tell you exactly, I’m sure there are a few. Now I’m about to start Project X, but I’m pretty sure it won’t work out for various reasons.’

Recently I met him again and I asked him about Project X – and – what a surprise – it hadn’t worked out. All his concerns had materialised, all the obstacles that he had mentally placed in his way beforehand were revealed in reality and, due to his negative expectations, he also lacked the energy and drive to clear them out of the way. The pre-programmed failure therefore materialised as ordered.

And so he was right. Project X turned out to be a huge failure – not because there was any good reason for it, but because he had already taken enough time to develop a bad feeling about it.

Many people use their imagination to visualise things that make them feel bad. This makes them feel bad before they do something or something happens. But that’s not all. By feeding their thoughts with images in such a negative way, their behaviour in reality will follow exactly these images.

In other words, if you make a plan that is characterised by doubts and images of failure (possibly also from the past), you will reap the corresponding results. However, if you draw up a plan that follows positive images and expectations and act accordingly, the chances of success will be comparatively higher.

An example that some of you may recognise:

Imagine your partner starting an affair with someone else. Let the film of your partner having fun with someone else play in your mind’s eye and watch how the feeling of jealousy becomes more and more noticeable in you – and the more you repeat the exercise, the more it settles in you.

Have you ever tried this? If so, then you probably know that it works wonderfully. It works so well, in fact, that when your partner comes home, you still feel terrible and you reproach them and accuse them of things out of your self-made negative mood.

Tell me that you’ve had enough
Of our love

I’m sorry I don’t understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin‘
And it’s all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin‘)

You’ve been havin‘ real bad dreams

(Passage from the song ‘Just give me a reason’ by P!nk)

If you stick with it and let these negative images take over, they will increasingly take over your thinking and influence your behaviour more and more. It will become increasingly difficult for your partner to convince you that your images have nothing to do with reality. This is a battle that your partner cannot win. Because if you don’t recognise that it is your images that only you can dissolve and replace with positive images, your partner may well give up at some point and leave.

You can see how much power you have within you!

With mindfulness and responsibility for your inner imagery, you alone are in control of how you feel today and how you want to shape your tomorrow. For yourself and your environment.

Wrong path II – Attitude | Own behaviour and expectations of others

Imagine you are a waiter/waitress and the restaurant where you work is full of people. All the guests present treat you as if you were a machine, then suddenly a guest arrives who treats you like a human being and makes you feel good.

Who of all these people would you rather deal with?

One way to be served well in a restaurant is to first treat the waiter well so that he gets the desire to serve you well. Alternatively, you can treat him as badly and demanding as possible and force him to do his job as you would have expected without having to display this unfriendly behaviour.

But you simply felt compelled to show him who was the guest and who was the waiter with your annoyed behaviour, because in a restaurant you automatically have to be served in a friendly manner – without having to be nice yourself.

This, or something similar, is how marriage is often viewed.

The preconceptions: ‘The other person must know…’, ‘It must come automatically…’, etc. are widespread – coupled with the conclusion: ‘If he/she doesn’t do this now, it means I really have to get very angry…’.

For some reason, there is an assumption that you simply have to force the other person to do the ‘right thing’. I wonder what benefit, what profit can come from such behaviour. Enforcing your own will against the free will of the other person? What can arise from this? Will I achieve joy and happiness for the other person and therefore for myself? I find it difficult to experience happiness by forcing others to behave the way I want them to. What I completely lack here is the willingness and ability to self-reflect.

I think it would be a fallacy to assume that you can only feel comfortable in certain situations if another person behaves in a certain way. But this attitude of entitlement is widespread. In other words: ‘You have to behave the way I want you to. That’s the only way I can feel good. Otherwise I’ll feel bad – stand around accordingly and make sure you feel bad too.’

If the person in question is not present to make sure that the other person feels good, they also feel bad. When the person returns, the reproach comes: ‘You weren’t here. You didn’t make sure that I was well – so I felt bad. I want you to be here all the time from now on. So please give up your job in the other city and find something nearby so that you can be with me every evening. Career is not so important, we only meet friends together and we only spend the weekends and evenings together. That’s the only way I can feel good about myself and that’s why I married you.’

Do you think that sounds bizarre and unrealistic? Less than you might think. Many relationships have this pattern in different facets.

What question does the demanding person not ask themselves at all?

They don’t even think about what might be important for the other person. What the other person might need in order to be fulfilled and happy. What would I have to be like for someone to simply want to do this or that for me? Voluntarily – just because they want to?

The fatal thing is that if the pattern is not recognised and broken, the demands for attention get louder and louder. The person feels worse and worse and if this bad feeling is combined with the other person’s face to form an inner vision, they will always feel bad at some point, regardless of whether the partner is just leaving, coming back or simply being present.

No fun – for neither of them. While one feels bad and reproaches the other, the latter has a permanently guilty conscience – because no matter what he does (going away, coming back, being present), he can’t do it right.

A tricky situation in which a happy ending seems difficult. Unless both recognise their patterns, reflect on their inner images and the resulting feelings and actions.

Your attitude towards yourself determines your attitude towards others. If you reflect your inner images fairly with the outside world, you will be able to stay true to yourself. – This is the basis for a relaxed sense of self and respectful co-operation.

Be mindful of the images in your head and regularly check your attitude. The responsibility, and therefore the power, lies entirely with you.

Perhaps you would like to share your experiences or thoughts on this topic with me? I look forward to it! 🙂