I regularly encounter the question of happiness in my practice and as individual as the facets may be, the reasons for the absence of happiness lie – as so often 😉 – within ourselves.
The search for happiness. For me, there are three very effective factors that make it possible to permanently struggle and doubt and therefore make happiness difficult to achieve. They are so effective because they suggest security.
- Rationality: security through achievement and cleverness
- Comparison: security through superiority
- Control: security through knowledge
Alongside the pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of security is deeply rooted in us. Happiness, happiness…? What exactly is that? Something abstract. Nothing tangible. The rational mind has a hard time with it. It is not tangible, not measurable, not directly visible to others. There is also no fixed plan or instructions for how to get there. What exactly should you look for and how? Is it even worth it? Will I have to give up something that is important to me? Would it be better to invest in security after all?
Striving, clever and successful people in particular find it difficult to recognize happiness. People often equate being happy with going through life naively, lazily and without goals and are therefore afraid of losing their drive. In other words: “If I’m too happy, I won’t achieve anything. Only those who work hard are successful and therefore happy”. A powerful belief, by the way.
However, the opposite is true. Those who feel happy and thus in their power have access to all of their resources, such as self-confidence, creativity, cheerfulness, gratitude, humor, curiosity, etc. They don’t just revolve around themselves. They don’t just revolve around themselves, but are driven by a healthy motivation to create something – for themselves and others.
Smart people use one resource in particular, namely their head. Even small potential moments of happiness in everyday life are nipped in the bud – namely by rational considerations, such as the desire to save money. How often do you find yourself choosing the cheaper dish in a restaurant and then – without giving it a second thought – simply eating it, even though the EUR 5 more expensive dish would have tasted 100 times better – and thus given you a (small) feeling of happiness?
The value of money very often stands in the way of happiness. After all, money is a resource that promises security and happiness, on the other hand, is “only” a fleeting, intangible feeling.
So the paradox remains. The pursuit of happiness on the one hand, with the simultaneous denial of possibilities. Instead, the lack of happiness is compensated for by consumer goods that are supposed to convey status and prosperity.
No matter how short or long the compensator works and can give you a good feeling, in the end you are back to square one. This drains you and makes you dissatisfied – and the voice asking for happiness gets louder and louder and the longing for security and inner peace becomes ever more burning.
But then comes the next stumbling block. The comparison. And not only that. With it comes the struggle for superiority and to be better.
How happy can a person be who constantly looks at the cherry tree in their neighbor’s garden and is annoyed that the cherries there look redder and juicier than their own? It doesn’t even matter whether they would actually be better than your own, just focusing on what others have or do and the constant comparison is a sure guarantee that you won’t feel good. The strategy of wanting to escape this unpleasant feeling by making every effort to be better, more beautiful, richer is learned early on and yet is futile. It leads directly to unhappiness.
Extrinsic motivations are no guarantee of happiness. Recognition, fame and wealth can be good foundations for a life of freedom and autonomy. But when is enough enough? When is the point reached where more does not mean more happiness?
When do the cherries in the neighbor’s garden become unimportant?
I often hear: “I should actually do more for my work-life balance.” When I ask what is wrong with this, the answer is very often that there are simply too many things to take care of and people to think about.
The desire to have everything under control – indeed to have to – serves as a compensator. Control as an instrument with which you try to somehow master the uncertainties of life.
A battle against windmills – because the urge to constantly improve and control oneself usually leads to grueling perfectionism and attachment. The need to control everything and everyone becomes a self-destructive mechanism. It produces excessive demands, self-doubt and further insecurity. Not only is it pointless, control is stressful and makes you unhappy. – It is not the circumstances or the people, but our own view of ourselves and the world and the regular recognition that insecurities cannot be controlled away. Simply accepting this fact is a big step towards happiness. Trust helps with this. Trust in yourself and others expands the possibilities and thus creates abundance. Distrust and fear narrow the possibilities and create a world of scarcity.
Anyone who considers trust as a “profitable” option is actively paying into their happiness account.
Would you like to take more care of your happiness account? I look forward to hearing from you!
