I never used to think about how I defined myself. I just constantly worked on getting better and establishing myself professionally. Work was always my top priority. I didn’t receive any start-up help or other support from others. Everything I’ve achieved so far is down to my own efforts.”
This is how a client described herself in our first session. She had recently become a mother and had returned to the company where she previously worked as a manager after her parental leave.
“But now everything is suddenly different,” she continues, ”I can no longer throw myself fully into my job with my usual 100%. I have a child and that is now at the top of my priorities. But can ‘being a mother’ have the same importance as what I have worked for in my career?
I can’t turn it off. I still define myself in terms of what I do for a living, which leads to an inner conflict. Who or what do I represent in my company if I’m no longer available around the clock, or if I’m absent due to a cold? I never used to be ill.”
Another female client reports: “When I look around, I see that without exception all my male colleagues who joined the company with me, or even later, have been promoted and have now been able to take on exciting new tasks. Whereas every time I apply for another position, I’m told that this is unfortunately problematic because the gap I would leave in my current position would simply be too big and it would therefore be far too difficult to fill it.” WHAT? “So I continue to pull my leg out day after day without making a single step forward.”
Whether it is the lack of distance between work and oneself, or unhealthy loyalty at the expense of personal development, both are based on an inner perception that is reflected in thought and action. None of these patterns is in any way striking or peculiar. On the contrary, they are widespread. For this reason, models for compensation rather than for clarification and resolution can be found when it comes to changing something.
I myself decided to become self-employed in 2007 because my satisfaction account in terms of work, appreciation and interesting prospects had been in a stagnant minus for too long and too pronounced.
The idea became a plan and was eventually implemented, but the initial period of self-employment was not so easy. Suddenly, not every minute was timed from morning to night, no more toxic and nerve-wracking conversations and meetings, no more battles that had to be fought again. None of that.
Strolling through the city in the morning sunshine with a cup of steaming hot latte macchiato in my hand would have been so great (I tried it) if it hadn’t been for that unspeakably annoying voice in my head: “Hello? Are you still there? What are you doing there? It’s work time!”
Without realizing it, I had forgotten how to enjoy myself over the last few years. Not only that. Part of me had long since identified with the toxic self-image.
When I decided to do something different, something crucial was still missing. I first had to redefine myself. Who was I without this externally controlled pacing, without the constant availability and who could I be if I said no?
When I refuse because my self-worth says NO.
In my coaching sessions, many people mention the desirable goal of gaining more self-confidence, by which they mean appearing more outwardly, being quick-witted and not putting up with everything.
In other words, the reaction to something should improve.
Well, that is also important, but the action is much more important in my eyes. In other words, clarity about the motivation behind your actions.
With a healthy self-worth, you ask yourself the question: “What am I available for?” rather than: “What is expected of me?”.
If you are available to others 24 hours a day, your self-worth is very low, as your own needs are either unknown or ignored. Accordingly, you need external feedback as confirmation. The cycle of dependency is therefore complete.
Women in particular are at risk of being trapped in this cycle due to their socialization.
It is not only in the family environment that a certain role model is still conveyed. The definition of self-worth through external confirmation takes place sometimes more, sometimes less subtly in our recognized social environment.
And we accept this.
At least until a new perspective on things is adopted and a new evaluation is permitted.
The question: “Who am I if I don’t perform?” is not so easy to answer, as there is no desirable alternative at the beginning. Not yet.
All alternatives beyond the performance self-image are somehow negatively connotated – by the person themselves.
Change therefore first requires a fundamental re-evaluation from which alternatives worth striving for can emerge.
The way to get there develops step by step.
If this appeals to you in the current situation you find yourself in, then please get in touch with me!
There is a way of re-evaluation for you too! 🙂
Yours
Regina Reitinger
